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Trauma Can Not Be Justified

Trauma, abuse, heartbreak, narcissism and severe crimes are never a part of an individual’s soul journeynor cam be said to be a part of the path to their destiny. They are nothing but unwanted codes on the soul which instill hurt, betrayal and extreme issues in an individual when they need to vest their trust on another person or what we define to be trust issues.These experiences may shatter her from within. Coping with trauma is a constant mental,emotional and physical fight. So, ‘everything happens for good’ is not a true and effective statement but one that invalidates the experience of people undergoing tough and trying and undesired situations. These situations cannot be justified and should not be presented as asked by the individuals to be perceivedas lessons or to becategorised under being on a spiritual path or journey, which they are not. One should be protective so that they do not suffer while they should also try to be open to new opportunities where neither of the parties involved will have to suffer. Traumatic experience can never be reasonable or ok, even if a lot of people have undergone different types of traumatic experiences. Also, trauma is severe and leaves dark and heavy impacts on the mind of an individual. Losing a lipstick or some amount of followers on Instagram is not trauma but getting bullied or harassed or catcalled or abused in any way and the impact it leaves on an individual’s mind or as long as decades is trauma. Being beaten up by the parents or caretakers also can be lead to trauma which will remain with the individual for a very long period of time and through her childhood to adulthood or even more. Trauma needs deep healing to be done and some individuals require a combination of many methods of treatment in the process of their healing. Therapy helps tremendously in healing from trauma, especially if done by a good therapist. Unfortunately, many of the traumatic experiences are faced by an individual during her childhood until before the end of her adolescence. Trauma takes away the innocence from the child.

As said earlier, a parent cannot justify beating up their child to the point where the child passes out or develops fear or hatred for them by presenting an excuse of trying to monitor that the child behaves properly or is taught good manners. Being an absent parent is just as wrong and it may be that the parents do not inflict trauma but do not take a stand against the trauma or hurt or abuse that is being done to their child by any third person like the bullies or even teachers and strangersat times. In such a case too, parents of the child who had to undergo trauma are to be held responsible. Parents are not Gods or omniscient people nor are they guilt-free. Not all parents are good and beneficial to the children. The parents take up unhealthy parenting styles which then affects generations. Being physically or verbally abusive, harmful or making the child confused are some examples of bad parenting. Also, if a child had experienced any kind of trauma and informed the caretaker and the caretaker (parents) did not take immediate action makes them responsible for the trauma to stay with the child and also determines how will the child behave with them or the authoritative figures in the future. Also, inconsiderate parents or the parents who show that they are there for the child but do nothing when they are needed by the child, they provide no protection nor do stand up to their promises and do not spend time with the child but keeps burdening her or only talks how much and on what topics the parent believes is necessary and not hear what the child has to share or discards it as unimportant are equally to be held responsible because these are the toxic and unhealthy parents who traumatise the child more by making her feel guilty of undergoing a traumatic experience and making her believe that she was at fault. The parents who laugh at their children when they show emotions like crying or anger, especially when the children are trying to explain how much an incident has left a scarring impact on them also fall into this category. All such parents shall not be allowed to be the caretakers of the children.

The trauma that the child faces at the hands of her caretakers often makes her pursue or search for protection, security, comfort, acceptance and love outside of her surroundings and the child, then, comes at an extremely high risk of getting affiliated with narcissists, toxic people who will further damage and use her, parasites and may also get trapped in an unhealthy cycle where she is becoming clingy or projecting her insecurities on her partner and hence, healing becomes very important in any such situation. Trauma and actions which result in trauma do not benefit anyone ever so if the one who is inflicting trauma is saying this, they are trying to manipulate or trick the sufferer in believing that they are responsible for the trauma that they had to undergo but it should not be believed because these people only say this so that they are not held responsible or so that they do not have to take responsibility of their wrongdoings. Even they know that trauma cannot and should not be justified. The experience of trauma must not be discarded or dismissed at all.

Also, trauma is not limited to a specific gender or age group. Any person may experience trauma and so can be the person inflicting trauma on the other person who is the victim or the survivor.

Read this poem if you have been wondering if your reaction to trauma that you faced is valid or not:

If it is not okay,

Do not say that it is.

Even those who are discard it

Know that trauma can never be justified.

They are escapists

Who do not want to face the reality

Because then, they will have to take responsibility

And accept that they fail as a society.

Humans want to believe that they are humans

So that they can believe that everything is perfect

And they do not have to put in any effort

But pass the burden on to the other person or the next generation.

Then, there are some people who are ignorant,

Who have never had any experience

Similar or even near to what you went through.

So, do not let them feed you

With the ignorance that they have,

With their false truths,

Where everything and everyone is good.

It is real and valid what you had to go through.

Trauma can not be a part of ‘life happens’.

These experiences are not to test your patience

Or come to let you know your strength.

Let their limited beliefs and victim shaming not be the determinants of the validity of your traumaticexperience.

It is valid for you to feel terrified

Even decades and years after the traumatic experience had occurred.

It never was, is and never will benecessary for you to undergo it.

Trauma can never be justified.

What is Trauma?

This is a psychological term and hence, occurs in the mind. There are two types of stress—eustress or the good stress which benefits and distress or the bad stress that damages. Any event may result in one of these. When an event results in or creates distress and its impact overwhelms the mind to the point where an individual is not able to function or perceive things properly by not  being associated with the traumatic event or when the event takes a toll on the individual’s emotions and how they express them—by extreme influx or by numbing the experience altogether—it is known as psychological trauma and this process damages the abilities of the mind to work to its full potential. The way in which an individual experiences trauma or deals with it and the durationor for how long the trauma rests in her unconscious and for how long does the experience impact her differs for each person.

Even after a lot of time has passed since the traumatic accident occurred, one cannot ask the one who experienced it to forget it because they believe that it is no longer valid.This belief and gesture is inconsiderate and insensitive. After a long while too, the person who has experienced trauma may feel the same effect as they felt when they experienced the accident. Justification of trauma means that we are saying that it is ok to experience it but traumatic experiences are never ok to be experienced by anyone.

What Is A Trigger?

A trigger is a  cue which brings the unwanted memories of the trauma back. At times, when a person is triggered, the mind makes them believe that they are experiencing the trauma again or are in the same situation which result in trauma.

How Does One Identify That What The Other Person Or What They Are Experiencing Is Trauma Or Its Effect(s)?

Since trauma and its impact gets stored in the unconscious of the individual, being consciously aware of how is it impacting everyday life, perception and decision of the individual may be a bit tricky. There can be a lot of confusion surrounding the trauma and its effects.

Effects Of Trauma

Trauma, obviously, affects an individual and may even change her life altogether if it is centered around the traumatic experience. Let us see what are the different types of effects that trauma can have on an individual.

How Do The Effects Of Trauma Show Up Physically?

What are the physical signs and symptoms which indicate that an individual has experienced trauma? One of the ways in which trauma comes in the conscious knowing of the individual is when she experiences some unusual symptoms, which especially hinder the smooth functioning of her work. Initially, if these symptoms are mild, this hindrance may occur once in a while but if these symptoms are severe and need to be addressed immediately, this hindrance may almost or completely stop the work of an individual altogether.

For example, an individual sleeps a lot and this was not a part of their routine or behaviour since always. In such a case, this may be an indication that the trauma that had been residing in her unconscious is being healed during this process and since it is more in amount and has left a deep impact on the individual, she is sleeping for more amount of time. This may also indicate that the issue needs to be addressed and resolved so it no longer is contained in the unconscious of the individual.

The individual may also go in a fight-or-flight mode. The sudden release of hormones may result in heart palpitations, increased heart rate, tensed or stiff muscles, extremely rapid breathing making it difficult to breathe and the breath shallower. This may also result in a panic attack, which is one of the major symptoms of panic disorder, anxiety and PTSD. Here, fighting means dealing with the situation presented in front of the person and flight means fleeing away from the situation. This is like a do-or-dieor fight-or-escape situation. So, the minds prepares to deal with the situation rather aggressively or takes to escapism. This mode always keeps a person on her toes or on the edge and she is unable to relax because even a cue that may actually not be aserious danger may be perceived to be a major threat by her mind.

These effects indicate how a person cannot ‘get over it’ so easily and that she does not feel any pleasure when her mind replays the traumatic accident repeatedly. In fact, her mind goes out of her control when such situations happen.

How Do The Effects Of Trauma Show Up Mentally?

  • The extreme effect of trauma is that a person may develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD or complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder which is C-PTSD.
  • It may also be that the individual may experience loss of memory and difficulty in concentrating and their attention span may decrease as the effects of the trauma starts becoming severe.
  • The person may also experience brain freeze for a few seconds.
  • Dissociation is another way in which trauma affects the functioning of the mind of the individual. It may happen when the mind is not in a state to receive cues but has to anyway.
  • Flashbacks of the traumatic incident may keep occurring repeatedly. This may also make the person zone out from their reality, even if for a while.
  • Inability to handle or process trauma or the emotions it process like grief, anger or resentment may slow down the process of thinking or comprehension and hence, working in an individual. The mind may slow down that it may receive the cues extremely slowly and process it even more slowly. Hence, the task may be successfully carried out much later than expected.
  • The individual may go in a fight-or-flight mode, which is triggered mentally but shown physically.
  • Impossible or extremely difficult to vest one’s trust on the other person completely or without any doubts, even if intuitively the individual knows that they are trustworthy and want to trust them.
  • Confusion and forgetfulness because the mind is processing the unhealed trauma and is trying to bring it to the conscious awareness of the individual.
  • Scary or weird dreams
  • Trauma makes the individual mature mentally during childhood and early adolescence. Prematurity is not as healthy as people perceive or portray it to be and not to be celebrated or applaud if it comes as a result of childhood trauma. It is not good because it means the loss of the innocence of a child when it was not supposed to be taken away from the child.

These symptoms can be justified because the reason behind them is the trauma residing in the unconscious. However, the occurrence of traumatic experience can never be excused or justified, no matter how much time may seem to have passed after the accident.

How Does Trauma Affect Interpersonal Relationships?

We will read how trauma impacts interpersonal relationships and how these relationships may help an individual in overcoming the lasting effects of trauma and healing faster.

If a person had to undergo bullying, sexual or physical abuse, extreme of discrimination and physical torture or violence by the hands of the abuser who may be anyone from a parent, teacher, friend, stranger or even romantic partner or spouse, the survivor may affiliate the whole gender of the abuser as a ‘bad and abusive gender’ and this may further affect them in a way that they will not approach any person of that gender and even if they will, there will be shame, guilt, hostility, hatred or jealousy towards the other person, even though the person of the other gender may not be deserving ofthesereactions. The individual may be involved into self-sabotage and self-criticism and may reflect this on her relationships and romantic partner. It may also affect her choice of partners or friends and sometimes, even the kind of people she has to deal with economically in her work life.

Trauma can determine the major life decisions that a person may make. The individual may reject any job orwork offer from a person of the gender if a person of that gender group had abused them in the past. Some people who have faced any kind of abuse in their past relationships choose to not be involved in any relationship or to not marry at all, however these are not the only reasons to not marry. If a person had undergone sexual abuse, that individual may reject being intimate in a romantic relationship, even if the relationship and their partner are both healthy for them. If a person had been abandoned and had to suffer a lot due to that in their lives in the past, these individuals may leave their romantic partners, even if they are healthy, when a slight indication or rather a wrong cue will be received by them that their partner is going to leave them soon or eventually.

A person who has been bullied may turn out to become a bully later or terribly afraid of forming or being interpersonal relationships altogether. This kind of trauma may also come from unwanted, unasked insults and discrimination that a child may face at the hands of the system that she is involved in. This system may be the system of school or education or parents and it may include teachers, parents, classmates and everyone else included in the situation—closely or remotely.

Also, a person who has unhealed trauma and are a caretaker, they may pass on their trauma to the next generation. The individual trauma may then become generational trauma. The cycle will only end when a person will consciously decide that this generational trauma must end at her and then, she will work on successfully healing not only whatever trauma she had to undergo in her life as an individual but also a repeated generational pattern, if there is any. So, one healed person may prevent the trauma from passing on to many just like one unhealed person passes on their trauma furthermore in their surroundings and generation.

  • Trauma Bond

What Is A Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is an unhealthy attachment that an individual forms as a result of the trauma that she has experienced in her life. The individual, while forming this bond, may not even be aware that it is based on the trauma that she has experienced.

Trauma leaves scars on the individual’s mind and soul. The individuals may experience the fear of touch and hence, may hate being in any crowded place, even if that place may be a part of their routine life. The individual may avoided attending concerts, playing sports where the players need to touch each other like kabaddi or kho-kho. The person may also breakdown at such moments, due to trauma, where there are no cues or triggers visible. There may be fear or unhealthy attachment between the partners and people can come not in a relationship but form a trauma bond instead, not knowing about this consciously the whole time.

Read this poem to understand this further:

Wait and inspect.

Are you getting attached

Only because the other person

Is offering basic decency and respect?

Feeling the need to be protected

May not be wrong

But only if love is involved in at the base of it.

Otherwise, such romantic connection must be rejected

Because you may find  yourself

Trapped in a trauma bond.

You may find that you would not have chosen

That person if they had not provided

Whatever you wanted or needed or formed a lack for

As a result of the trauma

Which may have occurred in your childhood

Or while you were growing up.

Cut the cords if you find yourself in such an unhealthy attachment.

Work on your healing and love and protect yourself.

When you want protection after being self-sufficient and are ready for an equal reciprocation

Is when you are ready to form and live in a healthy relation.

  • How Can A Healthy Relationship Help In Overcoming Trauma Or Speeding Up The Process Of Healing?

A loving and healthy relationship cannot heal the impact of trauma but can fasten up the process of healing for sure. Like, I thought that the twenty years of trauma that I had experienced will not be healed until the next ten years, even after I had started the process of healing. But meeting my twin flame and because of the willingness for physical union with him, also due to his understanding and free-spirited personality, I got a little drive and still get it whenever I want to not heal or better my life. This does not mean that my life id dependent on him or that he gave me new life but the idea of being in a union with him and happy and healthy for each other for a long period of time in this lifetime gives me motivation to keep working on and improving myself. Before this, I was trapped in the trap if a narcissist who used trauma bond as his bait.

Read this poem to understand how the life and thefurther experiences in life of a person who has undergone trauma becomes after it and why one should not be the advisors or not give them reasons toprove our point if we do not understand what they are going through:

The dynamic of ‘because’

Does not work on trauma.

There are lasting effects and an underlying cause

Of what the naïve and inconsiderate people discard by labeling it as ‘drama’.

Go beyond judgement and know

That there is more it than you know,

Which the ones who have to undergo

The traumatic experience are not able to show.

Experiences which are traumatic

And the struggle of processing and overcoming the effects of it

Is very tiring and hectic.

So, the ones who are coping with it are not acting ‘dramatic’.

They are more in pain

Than you even can imagine,

So much that they cannot even explain.

So, please understand this and do not ask them to just ‘get over it’.

Trauma Experienced As An Adult

Not all of the traumatic experiences happen during the childhood. Traumatic experiences bring physical and material loss and acrs the memories of an individual related to these experiences. Some people may experience trauma after they have grown up. Some of the traumas experienced in childhood and adulthood are common like:-

  • Physical Abuse:

This may happen with an individual in a workplace or any other familiar or non-familiar circumstances. The abuser may be a known or an unknown person. Bullying includes kicking, slapping, pinching, punching and similar physical acts which come under physical abuse.

  • Sexual Abuse

Touching a person without their consentfor personalsexual gratification is sexual abuse. Sexual abuse and assault is often taken as a form of expressing aggression but the perpetrators always known that they are doing a crime. Hence, the perpetrators must not be spared at any cost. It is necessary to support the one being forcefully perpetrated and helping them, regardless of age, gender or any such category made by humans. Even forcing a person to see the sexual body parts or to show their sexual body parts is sexual abuse.

  • Rape

Federal Bureau Of Investigation or the FBI revised the definition of rape in 2012 as “penetration, no matter how little, of the vagina or anus with any organ or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another individual, without the consent of the victim.” 

  • Sexual Assault

This is a broader term which includes:

  • Unwanted touching
  • Forced kissing
  • Rubbing any part of the body which is not liked by the person whose body is being touched
  • Groping the body of the another person without their consent
  • When the perpetrator forces its target to touch him or her without the target’s consent or approval
  • It also includes rape
  • Being Neglected

When a child is not providing with his or her basic needs, this is childhood neglect. This may include the essential things of education or hygiene that they need, safe food and water to consume or that the parents did not sit and listen to their problems or placed them after all their tasks are done or after the other children and adults have their needs met. Neglect also includes not encouraging a child when a parent does not attend any of the performances that the child is a part of and the parent does this repeatedly. This makes the child feel a lack of validation and the child develops abandonment and codependency issues. This also makes the child feel worthless and develops issues with how they perceive themselves.

It may also be that a child had to become a parent of another child because the parents did not take care of their children. If this is so, the child that is providing care to the younger child or catering to the needs of her parents will end up not having her personal needs met.

This keeps continuing even when the child grows up. Then, the parents burden the adult with taking care of them which makes the adult not prioritise herself. The parents may also shame the individual for prioritising oneself. This is not wanting to be taken care of but abuse as they are now trying to make the adult neglect herself.

  • Domestic Violence

This is experienced after an individual is married or in a relationship. The perpetrator is the spouse or the relationship partner or their family. This may be carried out directly or indirectly. It even includes the violencefaced at the hands of the former partners. It is when the abuse hits the victim through hands, legs, belts or any other substance.

  • Communal Violence And Outrage

This results in injury and mass killing. When any person sees another individual being slaughtered, it leaves a deep and extremely disturbing impact on her mind. Even hearing the news of losing a closed one may affect individuals deeply. Many individuals may pass out when they may experience or hear about such a loss because of the trauma that builds up in their mind as a result of such an experience. This is also a kind of trauma that may be passed on to generations.

The last three experiences bring a loss of innocence, a home, a safe surrounding which snatches away the sense of security from an individual.

None of these experiences are ever liked or enjoyed by the ones who have to experience them. Many of these are legal crimes.

What Should You (Not) Do When Someone Tells You That They Have Experienced Trauma?

Trauma can tarnish a person’s perspective about everything and everyone that the person comes across in her lifeafter she has hadthe traumatic experience. A person should not be held guilty for experiencing trauma or how they are dealing with it because it is never their fault at all. The one who is inflicting trauma must be held responsible for their behaviour. It is extremely difficult for people to open up and share their traumatic experience. If you are not mature enough to understand them or handle the information, direct them to someone who will understand. Lend an ear but not a judgmental tongue. Sometimes, saying ‘it is ok’ or ‘let it go now’ may also trigger the individuals and make them shut themselves off into their space, not seeking help again. Like any mental disorder or mental health issue, trauma is ‘not just in the head’ of the individual or a ‘product of their thoughts’. The individuals are not making up trauma or their experience or its symptoms.

At times, when the person who experienced trauma confronts the one who inflicting trauma on them,they do not take responsibility by saying that they have imagined everything. This is done to escape accepting one’s mistake and avoiding asking for forgiveness by the abuser. This does not mean that the one who faced the traumatic experience was imagining it. It is essential that whenever someone shares a traumatic experience, it must not be not accepted. Do not say that it does not look like that they have undergone trauma or that it is very brave of them. They are probably seeking for help by sharing the traumatic experience. Also, do not tell them, when they approach you for help, that they can handle it all by themselves or that they “should be able to” handle it all by themselves. By doing so, you are discouraging them from and may even be shaming them for asking for help. Also, please do not say or let anyone make them believe that they deserve to undergo trauma because of the karm of their past lives.

You can, however, ask them to seek a professional or a therapistbecause they know how to deal with the trauma, especially when the individual is not able to handle it themselves at all and they feel like their life is falling apart due to this.

Conclusion

This is a poem for those who have experienced trauma and are in the process of healing:

Take your time.

There is no hurry.

You can resolve the trauma that you had to undergo due to any crime.

You will be more when you will heal so do not worry.

Anyone who is trying to rush you

Or is not listening to what you have to say,

Let them all pass through

Because they have not come in your life to stay.

You need to have patience

And even the people around you need to have the same.

Healing is a process.

Nobody can tell how long will its processing will take.

If a rude and uncivilized person

Is trying to tell you that you deserve to be traumatised,

Teach that person a lesson.

Do not let this statement just pass by.

Keep working on yourself

Because that will take you to your destination

Of a happy and healthy life,

Without any partner or in a relationship with a healthy person.

You are not too soft

If you are trying to protect yourself.

Open yourself up

Only to the extent where you do not start feeling unsafe.

Your safety comes first.

So, do not feel guilty for keeping yourself prior

To any other

Relation or connection that may bother you or has not yet achieved your trust.

Remember to never try to justify trauma because trauma is neither supposed to be nor can it ever be justified.

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